Deepening Your Connection
Relationship Advice from Our Recent Course
By Bobbi Salkeld
Scott and I welcomed 20 couples (40 people) to the Marriage and Relationship course at the beginning of the year. It was a treat to shape the conversation for these couples and think about the power of love in our lives (no matter our marital status).
Here are some of my favourite takeaways from the course. I've added a resources for further learning and a takeaway question if you want to explore the topics further.
Enjoy!
Relationship Foundations
Relationships constantly change. The sooner you recognize this and begin to assume the presence of change in your most intimate relationships, the more likely you are to stay healthy, open, and supportive.
Modern love is a relatively new invention due to the rise of individualism and the impact of social and economic change. It's helpful to pay attention to how new this idea is, and how it shapes the expectations and parameters we bring to our most intimate relationships.
Relationships accompany us through life's seasonality. Like any good organic system, a little tending goes a long way.
Takeaway: What would you say are the foundations that support your closest relationship?
Resource: Esther Perel. 2017. Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence.
Communication Patterns
About Talking – Scott and I mapped spheres of communication as places to check in on the communication health in your relationship. How are you talking about life admin, work and vocation, all the feelings, the state of your relationship, plans and social calendars, faith and personal growth, other friendships and extended family?
About Listening – Some major hindrances to good listening are disengaging, reassuring, giving advice, going off on a tangent, and interrupting. The point is to listen first and for longer before jumping in. Find something you're curious about in the conversation and ask, "Can you tell me more about that?"
Takeaway: Check in about how you're doing with a relationship's "talking" and "listening" components.
Resource: Amir Levine & Rachel Heller. 2012. Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love.
Normalizing Conflict
Assume that conflict will be a regular part of your partnership. Put together a good toolkit to ensure conflict is more constructive than destructive.
Conflict Toolkit
Make ground rules for arguments and discussions ahead of time.
Determine a "good time and good place" for conflict.
Look for the "needs" behind the conflict.
Find self-regulation tools to ensure you or your partner don't lose control.
Nonviolent communication strategies include stepping back to name observations, feelings, needs, and requests. This four-part outline is great for approaching a complicated conversation.
Takeaway: What ground rules might you consider for future conflict?
Resource: Julie Schwartz Gottman & John Gottman. 2024. Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection.
The next Commons course is Prayer Apprentice.
You can find out more and register here.
